emporbooty: gamblingemperor: emporbooty: gamblingemperor: 1324 FOLLOWERS IM LAUGHING SO HARD ITS IN ORDER 1324 is not in order Matt ITS 2 AM AND IM NOT EVEN GOOD AT SCIENCE IN THE FIRST PLACE Science
laughingnancy: i really hate how people have created that thing where it’s like “THIS IS WHAT GIRLS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY: - “i’m tired” = “i fucking hate you, dont talk to me” - “i’m fine” = “everythings wrong” BITCH WHEN I SAY IM TIRED I AM FUCKEN TIRED I AM NOT FOOLING U NO JOKE WHEN I SAY IM FINE I MEAN THAT IM ACTUALLY FINE WOW ILLUMINATI RIGHT
beellette: dad just said “there should be a netflix for books” five minutes later he shouted “THE LIBRARY”
jnaimepreciado: a moment of silence for those who haven’t seen their favourite band live
When I'm On My Period
un-zipmyheart: - No one has the right to look at me. - No one has the right to speak to me. - No one has the right to tag me in posts. - No one has the right to comment on anything I post. - No one has the right to piss me off on purpose. - No one has the right to ignore me. - No one should exist.
if my son is gay
son: mom... i'm gay
me: what was that?
son: i'm... gay
me: HA! KNEW IT!
husband: what's going on?
me: OUR SON'S GAY!
husband: oh god.
son: wait, is that okay?
husband: no, i mean yes, it's definitely okay, just, er... your mother...
me: ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?
me: YOU CAN DATE WHOMEVER YOU WANT
son: that's great mom bu—
me: I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
husband: your mother has this thing about ga—
me: I'M GOING TO BAKE YOU A CAKE
son: mom that really isn—
me: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GLEE? HAVE I EVER SHOWN IT TO YOU?
me: WHAT ABOUT X-MEN?
son: dad, what's going o—
me: WE ARE GOING TO STAY UP LATE AND TALK ABOUT BOYS
husband: walk away slowly son i'll try to handle your moth—
me: YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY SLEEPOVERS AS YOU WANT WITH BOYS OR GIRLS AS LONG AS IF IT'S BOYS THEY'RE CUTE
son: i'm scared
husband: it's okay. i was worried that this was going to happen
me: I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG
Mom: If you were going to kill someone, what weapon would you choose?
Me: A dull knife.
Dad: Why a dull knife?
Me: You want to really mess someone up and make it painful? Use a dull knife. Sure, it's going to take a bit more effort, but it isn't going to cut. It's going to rip. It'll be painful, and if they survive the healing process will be a lot more difficult and painful. A dull knife expresses more anger than a sharp knife. A sharp knife is kind of the nice guy murdering tool, but if I'm going to kill someone I'm going to assume that I have finally snapped so I'd go for something painful and vicious.
Mom: We've raised a potential serial killer.
Dad: I don't know about you, but I'm proud of the amount of thought that went into that.
Asdfghjkl I want like seven different All Time Low...
“Take a breath and let the rest come easy” “Before you ask which way to go, remember where you’ve been” “Sing me to sleep, I’ll see you in my dreams” “If we stand for nothing, we’ll fall for anything” “Love yourself so no one has to” “Long live the Reckless and the Brave” “My song has not been sung”
unimportant: bitch shut up when i was your age pluto was still a planet
opaki: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no fuck off what do you think this is a charity
Opened the Tumblr app on my phone this morning and...